Guilt

Guilt is a feeling that can produce tremendous good in our lives if it is recognized and processed in a healthy way. Guilt allows us to recognize that we have done something wrong, we have caused harm, we have hurt someone. 

Let me start with a story from this past week. Wednesday was a difficult day for me. Conflict with someone had been taking place for several days and I woke up that morning angry. I carried that anger clenched tightly in my fist all day long and allowed it to grow and fester. I had a couple clients Wednesday evening and on the way to the office I swung through the drive through at Arby’s. I don’t go there often but when I do I always get the same thing, a number two, small, with curly fries and a diet coke. That’s been my order for years. I placed my order and was told to pull around. When I arrived at the window the young lady told me that she couldn’t do a small fry and small drink it had to be a medium. You’ll recall that I had been angry all day and I quickly lashed out at the young lady. “I have been getting this exact order probably since before you were born. What’s your problem?” She tried to explain but I cut her off mid-sentence and snapped something like, “this is what’s wrong with the world today!” After I had complained loudly for a couple minutes I said I would take the medium. As she handed me my order I looked into her eyes for the first time since I had pulled up I saw a young girl with fear in her eyes and what looked like a tear about to run down her cheek. Crap! Guilt! By the time I arrived at the office I knew I owed that young lady an apology. I called Arby’s, asked for the young lady in the drive through and explained that I was the old bald guy with a beard that just went off on her. I explained that the problem was all mine. She hadn’t done anything wrong and I asked for forgiveness. Guilt had accomplished its work in my heart.

Guilt, when recognized and responded to in a healthy way leads us to own the harm we have caused and whenever possible it will lead us to attempt to make things right. This will almost always involve owning our action to the person we harmed, seeking forgiveness and sometimes will require restitution or some redemptive action on our part. Taking these steps doesn’t always result in forgiveness on the part of the one we have harmed but my experience has been that often it does. Whether forgiveness is expressed or not, we are able to experience freedom. 

An unhealthy response to guilt can result in toxic shame. I talked about that last week and won’t return to it now. Another result of unhealthy guilt can be pride. Pride demonstrates itself by our attempt to rationalize why we were justified causing hurt and harm. “They caused me to get angry!”  or in my case, “I deserved to get small fries with my combo meal!” 

The young lady at the drive through said she forgave me and that it wasn’t a problem but that’s not what her face and specifically her eyes had said when I looked into them as she handed me my combo meal. I’m not sure that my apology meant much to the young lady. I want to think that it did. I know that for me, a healthy response to guilt allowed me to attempt to make things right. In just the couple days since this happened, I have stopped several times as I began to grow angry and reexamined how I should respond. The young lady expressed forgiveness and I am experiencing freedom and growth. 

What has been your experience with guilt? Shoot me an email and let me know. Rwcoaching2@gmail.com