Shame

Shame is a feeling of embarrassment or humiliation that comes from the belief that we have done something dishonorable or immoral, or that we have fallen short in our own eyes or in the eyes of someone whose opinion is important to us. The effects of shame can last hours or maybe days but will usually fade as we continue to press forward in life. Toxic shame, on the other hand, is an ongoing sense that we can only fall short and fail. You’re probably familiar with the idea that shame says that I have done something wrong and failed, but toxic shame says that I am wrong, and I am a failure. Many of us carry an unrealistic expectation of perfection. Some of us have set that standard for ourselves but for some of us this is a standard that we have been taught by people that are important to us, parents, teachers, employers, or groups such as sports teams, clubs, or even a church. Many of us have experienced shame used as a tool to attempt to generate behavioral change. Toxic shame always creates a sense of worthlessness and a lifestyle that produces failure because we believe that’s all we are capable of. Toxic shame is self-punishing and lingers on.

So, what is the truth about who and what we are? Well, many of us have been told that we can do anything we set our minds to or that we can be anything we want to be. I’m sorry to tell you, that isn’t true. All of us have limits. But all of us have talents and giftings. I would suggest that none of us have all the answers, but all of us have some of them. I will make mistakes and so will you. I’m not God and you aren’t either. You have talents and gifts that I need, and I have talents and gifts that you need. 

There are heated arguments today about whether healthy shame is something that exists. Brene Brown has said, “I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.” An article by Anna Aslanian from The Gottman Institute states, “Healthy shame guides toward self-correction, making amends, and growth.” I would like to think that both sides would agree that if those experiences that could lead us into toxic shame were processed in a healthy way, that would lead us to humility. Humility allows me to recognize that perfection doesn’t exist inside me. I have needs and it is ok for me to receive help and instruction from others and at the same time, I have gifts and talents that I need to share with those around me that need what I am able to offer. My belief is that humans are designed to be interdependent on other humans. I need you and you need me. Our existence is better when we can accept our need and rely on one another.

What are your thoughts on shame? I’d like to hear them. Shoot me an email at rwcoaching2@gmail.com.