Fear

Imagine with me for a minute that we are on a walk in the forest. We are well into the woods, and we come across a cave. Outside the cave entrance is a pile of bones. Some of the bones appear to be old and dry but some look like they have fresh meat on them. Suddenly we hear noise inside the cave. Something growls and it sounds like it might be moving towards the cave entrance. What do you feel? FEAR! This would be the natural response. In fear we have the typical responses, fight, flight, and freeze. If I decide to fight, I might pick up a big stick and step towards the cave entrance. If what I am hearing is a bear, I might end up being part of the pile of bones. If I respond with flight and run, when I stop, I might not have any idea how to get back to my truck or even to the road. I’m lost. If I freeze, eventually whatever is inside the cave will come out and once again, odds are I become part of the pile of bones. 

However, if I respond to fear in a healthy way a dozen things start to take place in my brain all at once. I’m thinking about how to get away from the entrance without making any noise. I am thinking about the quickest route back to my truck. At the same time my brain is creating a map so if I come back to the forest again, I will remember where the cave is and steer clear. And these are only a few of the things my brain is doing all at the same time in a healthy response. Fear has a healthy way to process and respond in a way that lessens the potential for harm and brings wisdom. 

The gift of fear is faith and wisdom which result in protection, help, and refuge. Many of us have learned to view fear as weakness but fear is the feeling that alerts us to potential emotional and spiritual danger. We may recognize the beauty of the view from a high cliff but fear alerts of to the possibility of a fall and leads us to remain a few feet from the edge or to look for a rail that can protect us from a fall. Fear allows us to take the risk of enjoying the view while controlling the potential for harm. Fear allows us to count the cost of decisions we are thinking about making. Healthy fear allows us to see the risk, establish boundaries, seek advice from others, and then possibly move forward with a sense of safety.

Unhealthy fear results in anxiety and a desire for control. Anxiety results in the responses I referenced earlier, fight, flight, and freeze. A knee-jerk reaction to fear is often to try to seize control of the situation. The first thing to understand about control is that ultimately, we don’t have any. My attempts to control in the face of fear are usually directed towards people and situations that result in damaged relationships and harm to people close to me.

Let’s talk for a minute about rage. Rage is often associated in our minds with anger, but I am going to suggest that rage is much more closely associated with fear. I used to associate rage with actions like punching a wall, throwing something, or verbal or physical abuse, but I have recognized that in myself rage can look like the tone of voice I use, my posture as I interact with people, or communication with condescension. I’m a big guy and if I stand up straight, lower my tone of voice a little and speak to others as if their opinions are of no value, I communicate intimidation. For me this is the use of rage to gain control because I am afraid. Maybe I’m afraid of failure. Maybe I’m afraid of looking bad or loosing respect. Sometimes I’m just afraid of the feeling of fear.

The next time you experience fear, and you will experience it again, stop and think. How can I experience the gift that God is offering me here? What is the potential danger I am sensing? Is there someone with experience that I can talk to? How can I alleviate the risk and move forward? And if I can’t alleviate the risk, do I need to separate myself from the danger and move in a different direction? We experience fear for a reason. It may be there to encourage us to make a safer plan as we move forward, or it may be there to help us see that the risk we are looking at isn’t worth it and we can move on to something else.

What are your thoughts about fear? Let me know. Send me a message at rwcoaching2@gmail.com. I’d love to hear from you.