Therapist Adam Young talks about three questions of attunement. Does anyone hear me? Does anyone see me? Can anyone help me? With that first scream we utter as a newborn we are asking these three questions. Many of us add an additional struggle to this set as we grow older. We also struggle with the idea that if any one did see or hear they wouldn’t like what they see and hear, and they would reject us. Hence, we choose to live in isolation rather than chance rejection.
I’d like to present the idea that we are born with valid needs. I think it’s obvious that no infant can survive left on its own. A child must rely on others, for food, for clothing, for love and affirmation. Somehow though, we convince ourselves that as adults we either don’t have valid needs, or that any needs we have, we can meet on our own. My life, my belief tells me that I will always have needs and that I cannot meet all of those needs myself.
The holiday season we have just passed through always causes my heart to ask those three questions of attunement that I mentioned earlier. Does anyone hear me? Does anyone see me? Can anyone help me? Those questions rang out especially loud this year. My children and grandchildren have moved further away. As I have grown older, the family, aunts, uncles, cousins are not as close and are fewer than before. Sometimes lately I hear my heart cry out louder than before. Does anyone hear me? Does anyone see me? Can anyone help me? Because I have listened to these questions from my heart and recognized needs that can only be met by others, I have been able to find answers to those questions. Those answers are yes. I am heard. I am seen. I am cared for and helped.
How I have I found these answers? One way is that I have learned to listen for those same questions in others. At just the right time I receive a call or text from grandchildren and children. I have learned to take the time to listen, to see them and to care. And they respond in love. I noticed a man a while back in the coffee shop I go to regularly. He is normally at a table alone. I began to speak each time I entered. Over the past year I have learned he is a retired accountant. I have heard stories about his sister. I have heard about a class he started taking. I have learned recently that he really doesn’t like the cold. I heard. I saw. I cared. I was away for a week at Christmas and my first day back at the shop he called out as I walked through the door. “Hey Ron. I’ve missed you.” I felt heard. I felt seen. I was helped. I am active in a recovery community where we meet to talk about our feelings, our struggles, and our victories. We each share from our own experience. Not to fix each other, but so that we can hear and be heard. We can see and be seen. We care for each other, and we each are cared for.
I entered the world screaming three questions. For years I screamed those questions internally. They weren’t verbalized because of fear. Fear that I would hear an answer and the answer would be “NO”. They weren’t verbalized in part because that would require vulnerability. It would reveal that I have needs that I can’t meet myself. Fear that I would be rejected.
If you are struggling with these questions, does anyone see or hear me, can anyone help? Reach out. There are people that want to see, that want to hear, that want to help. Email me at rwcoaching2@gmail.com. I’m listening.
Oh, how good it must’ve been, to experience that “Hey Ron, I’ve missed you”. And he wouldn’t have had anyone to miss, had you not, first, risked rejection and sought connection. That’s awesome!