From time to time someone will check in to a group to share a recent relapse. Sometimes they check in same day. Sometimes they wait a few days or more. Often, they will express shame or discouragement. Many times, they will talk about having to start all over again from the beginning. This might stem from groups that promote counting days of sobriety. Just this week a friend posted that he was celebrating 2,190 days sober. That’s six years. I have watched him influence other people around him that are on this journey of recovery and my heart is thrilled with where he is at in his walk. This is an amazing milestone! He is part of a tradition that counts days.
I know other people who have experienced counting days as a stumbling block. I have heard people say that as they move towards a specific day count, say 30, 60, or 90 days, their anxiety spikes and they experience the count as a trigger. Early in my recovery I was in this boat. For a long time 30 days seemed to be a wall. I think with the anxiety and fear, as 30 days drew near, I may even have self-sabotaged. I found it to be best for me to give up counting days until I had some extended sobriety under my belt. Today I know exactly how long I have been sober and I celebrate March 1st every year as a birthday of sorts. My experience has been that we each need freedom in this area as we move forward in our walk.
Early in my recovery I heard a statement that I repeat often. “Every morning when I get out of bed I am just as close to the ditch as I was the last time I acted out. I’m just learning how to keep the car between the guardrails better.” I can’t remember who said this, but it has become a real theme for me in many ways. Most of us will experience relapse. Especially early in our recovery. I’m not saying that we walk in fear of relapse our entire lives, but as a baby learns to walk, he stumbles and falls sometimes. If we picture our recovery as a family road trip, a group of us, each in a car on our way across the country, and along the way we lose sight of the road and begin to drift into the ditch, we are not alone. There are other cars on the road with us. Not just strangers that are going to drive on by. We are on that family road trip, remember? If I drift into the ditch, a dozen cars are going to pull over. Some of those cars will be driven by close family. Some cars carry cousins that I only see occasionally but they are still family, and they pull over because they care. They run to my car to make sure I’m ok. They come around my car to help me out of the ditch and back onto the road. If I have blown a tire or dented a fender, they help me change the tire and beat the dent out. They help me make sure I’m ready to head back down the road. And as I get started again, they are still with me. This is a family trip after all. It may be that a few miles down the road I will help someone else out of the ditch.
For me, this is what recovery looks like. You notice, when I drifted into the ditch, I didn’t have to go all the way back to the beginning and start over. We are helped back on to the road where we drifted off and we move on from there. This is the importance of not traveling this road alone. As I drove to the coffee shop today, the ditch was there on both sides of the road. It was just as close as the last time I drove here. I am just learning to keep the car between the guardrails. But if I stray, I have friends that will help me back into the lane.
This time of year can be a time when it’s easy to drift into the ditch, extra expenses, family get togethers, parties, loneliness. If you are finding yourself drifting towards the ditch or have already found yourself in there all ready, this may be the time for you to consider coaching. I currently have slots available for individual coaching and new groups will be starting after the first of the year. If you have questions feel free to shoot me a message at rwcoaching2@gmail.com. An introductory session is available at no charge. If you have found this helpful, be sure to subscribe to the blog.