The next stop on the list of feelings I want to look at is Lonely. This one has been confusing for me in the past because the very word lonely leads me to believe that I would feel lonely when I am alone, but my experience has been that I can feel lonely even when surrounded by other people. As I have stated previously, I believe our feeling were created by God and he is offering us a gift if we are able to process the feeling in a healthy way. Unfortunately, I usually begin to process my feelings by traveling in an unhealthy direction.
Probably the most common response to feeling lonely is apathy. In a state of apathy, we attempt to step away from our feelings. We attempt to shut them down. We don’t want to feel. We don’t want to care. Apathy can fuel the cycle of addiction as we turn to substances or behaviors in an attempt to numb our feelings. All unhealthy responses to feelings will ultimately push us towards isolation. Mentally and emotionally isolation always ends with negative results. Studies show that social isolation is associated with an increased risk of heart disease, stroke and higher rates of depression, anxiety and suicide.
So, what is the gift we can receive from feeling lonely? I think of loneliness like a dummy light on the dashboard of my car. When the temperature light comes on, I know that something is wrong, and I need to stop and take a look. If I don’t stop and check under the hood, I run the risk of causing major damage to my vehicle. When I feel lonely, it’s a sign that I need connection and community. Dr. Chip Dodd says that when we feel lonely the gift that is available is intimacy. When guys hear the word, intimacy, for some reason, we tend to think of connection with a person of the opposite sex. Intimacy can be with a woman, but not necessarily. He says that intimacy is defined as into-me-see, a relationship where someone sees into me. They get to know my dreams, my desires, my needs, the real me. But intimacy needs to be a two-way connection where I get to know the other person in the same way. A definition of intimacy that I like is “a relationship where I want to be with and know someone, and they want to be with and know me, and there is no fear of judgement or shame.” So, when I feel lonely, that’s an invitation to step into relationship with another human being. The gift that I receive when I take that step is intimacy, connection, community.
How do we receive this gift of intimacy? I think it’s safe to say that if we continue to sit on the couch it won’t happen. It will require us to interact with other people. If you have thoughts on how to pursue connection and community, reach out. I’d love to hear them. If you’re looking for suggestions on how to make connection, reach out. I love to talk with other people. You can connect with me at rwcoaching2@gmail.com. I’m waiting to hear from you.