Teamwork in Recovery: Choosing to Let Others In

In high school, I played football, but my main interest was wrestling. From the outside, wrestling may not look like a team sport. When the match begins, it is one man facing another on a mat. For a maximum of six minutes, you are responsible for what you do.

But those six minutes are supported by hours of work with other people.

We trained together throughout the week. We practiced moves, challenged each other, and helped each other improve. During a match, the coach stood beside the mat, calling out instructions and encouragement. My teammates were there, too. I had to wrestle the match myself, but I would never have experienced the success I did without the team.

I think recovery works much the same way.

Compulsive behaviors began showing up as coping mechanisms in my life probably by the time I was nine or ten. Things at home were stressful. My mother had a rare bone disease. My father had stopped drinking, but he never got help for the struggles underneath his drinking. He continued to struggle with anger and low self-esteem—what people in AA sometimes describe as being a “dry drunk.”

As a child, I found ways to cope with things I did not understand and feelings I did not know what to do with. Those behaviors followed me into adulthood.

For more than thirty years, I tried to control them myself. I did not seriously attempt to get help until I was arrested and sent to prison. Even then, getting help was not initially my choice.

In prison, I was introduced to group work. That was a different experience for me. I had led groups for much of my life, but usually as the person who had read the book and was supposed to have the answers. I had not participated as someone who identified himself as an addict and needed help.

Now I was sitting in a different chair.

Still, attendance was required if I wanted the time cuts available to me. After prison, I spent four years participating in groups and meeting with a therapist while on parole and probation. I recognized useful things I was learning, but I also knew I was there because the courts required it.

I was participating in a group. I was not yet choosing to be part of a team.

That distinction matters. We can attend meetings, complete assignments, and answer questions while keeping people at a distance. We can do what is required without allowing anyone to know much about what is happening inside us.

Choosing a team asks something more of us. It means becoming willing to say, “This is where I am struggling. This is what I have been hiding. I need your help.”

That can feel especially difficult when we are accustomed to being the helper, the leader, or the person others depend on. Admitting that we need people may feel like losing our place. But a team gives us a place where we can contribute and receive help.

In wrestling, my teammates helped me prepare for situations I would face on the mat. They could expose weaknesses in practice that I might otherwise discover only during a match. My coach could see things from beside the mat that I could not see while wrestling.

We need that kind of help in recovery, too.

A trusted person may notice that we are withdrawing, becoming defensive, or letting important routines slide. Someone may ask a question that helps us recognize a feeling we have been avoiding. Someone else may encourage us when we are discouraged and tempted to give up.

Our team might include a coach, therapist, sponsor, recovery group, pastor, spouse, or trusted friends. Each person has a different role, and no one person needs to carry every part of our recovery. We also need to respect their limits. Letting people participate in our lives includes listening to what they can reasonably offer.

We remain responsible for our choices. Nobody else can make us honest, ask for help on our behalf, or do all the work of changing our patterns. But we can prepare for difficult moments with people who know us and want to help.

For years, I tried to manage my struggles alone. Required groups eventually put me in a room with other people. The deeper invitation was to let those people into my life.

Maybe that is a question worth asking yourself: Am I simply attending, or am I allowing myself to be known?

You may have to face the next difficult choice yourself. But you can face it with the preparation, encouragement, and support of a team.