“A person who is full tramples on a honeycomb, but to a hungry person, any bitter thing is sweet.” — Proverbs 27:7 (CSB)
I recently came across a quote that has stayed with me:
“When you are not fed love on a silver spoon, you learn to lick it off knives.”
It is one of those statements that makes you stop and think. Not because it excuses unhealthy choices, but because it helps explain them.
One of the questions people often ask is:
“Why doesn’t she just leave?”
“Why does he keep going back?”
“Why would anyone choose that?”
At first glance, those seem like reasonable questions. But they often reveal a misunderstanding about how people develop.
Those questions assume the person has a healthy relationship to compare their current one against.
Many don’t.
We Think Our Normal Is Normal
I grew up in a home marked by alcoholism.
It wasn’t until I was well into grade school that I realized not every family lived that way.
As a child, I didn’t think my family was unusual. I assumed every home functioned like mine.
Children don’t have a basis for comparison.
They don’t evaluate their environment against some universal standard of healthy family life.
They simply assume:
“This is what families are.”
If yelling is normal, it becomes normal.
If emotional distance is normal, it becomes normal.
If addiction is normal, it becomes normal.
If manipulation is normal, it becomes normal.
Our understanding of relationships is shaped long before we’re old enough to evaluate whether those relationships are healthy.
Familiar Often Feels Safer Than Healthy
One of the painful realities of trauma is that our nervous system often prefers what is familiar over what is healthy.
Someone raised in chaos may actually feel uncomfortable in peace.
Someone raised with criticism may distrust encouragement.
Someone raised with inconsistent love may become suspicious of consistency.
This is why people sometimes remain in abusive relationships.
They are not choosing abuse because they enjoy suffering.
They’re choosing what their mind and body have learned to recognize as familiar.
To someone who has always lived around emotional knives, the knives don’t seem unusual.
They’re just life.
Hunger Changes What Looks Good
Proverbs says,
“To a hungry person, any bitter thing is sweet.”
Hunger changes perception.
Physical hunger makes food that would normally be rejected suddenly seem desirable.
Emotional hunger does something similar.
A starving heart will often accept attention instead of love.
Control instead of safety.
Intensity instead of intimacy.
Approval instead of acceptance.
Temporary relief instead of healing.
The person isn’t necessarily looking for pain.
They’re looking for nourishment.
Unfortunately, sometimes they’ve only learned how to receive it in ways that wound them.
Addiction Is Often an Attempt to Feed a Starving Soul
This is one reason I often say:
Behind every behavior is a feeling. Behind every feeling is a need.
Addiction is rarely the real problem.
It is often an attempt to solve another problem.
Loneliness.
Fear.
Worthlessness.
Shame.
Isolation.
Rejection.
The addiction isn’t feeding the soul.
It’s simply convincing the person that it is.
It’s licking love off knives.
Recovery Is Learning What Love Actually Looks Like
Recovery is about much more than stopping destructive behaviors.
It is learning that healthy love exists.
It is discovering that peace doesn’t have to feel boring.
That boundaries are not rejection.
That conflict doesn’t mean abandonment.
That being alone is not the same as being unwanted.
That acceptance doesn’t have to be earned.
Over time, healthy relationships begin to retrain our hearts and our nervous systems.
We stop confusing chaos with passion.
Control with security.
Attention with love.
We begin recognizing the difference between nourishment and survival.
A Better Question
Instead of asking,
“Why would they choose that?”
Perhaps we should ask,
“Compared to what?”
Compared to what they’ve experienced…
Compared to what they’ve been taught…
Compared to what they believe is normal…
Their choice may make far more sense than we first imagined.
Understanding doesn’t excuse unhealthy behavior.
But it often opens the door to compassion.
And compassion creates space for healing.
Because the goal isn’t simply to help people stop licking love off knives.
The goal is to help them discover they no longer have to.
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