Sobriety VS Recovery (Part 1)

During a recent conversation. with a young man, I pointed out that every time we talk, he is focused completely on his battle right now to not give in to his addiction. He may touch briefly on work, or family, or his apartment but even that will focus on how a coworker triggered him or a family member doesn’t understand him and it makes him want to act out, or how he hates his apartment and needs to do something to escape the boredom feels there. So, I asked him, what if I could wave a magic wand and your addiction no longer existed, your desire to act out was gone, what would your life look like then? After a brief pause, he sighed and replied, “I don’t know. I’ve never really thought about that.”

This is a phenomenon I see often in people in recovery, especially in the beginning, but even in some that have been on this journey for years. I personally struggled with this for some time. I knew what I wanted to get away from, but I had no clear picture of where I wanted to be. I explained to the young man that what I saw before me was angry, lonely, unhappy young man and freedom from his addiction would be a positive thing. However, freedom from addiction without addressing the issues that led to his problem and without a vision for what he wanted his life to be will only leave an angry, lonely, unhappy young man without an addiction. What he will find is sobriety without recovery.

A focus on our battle with addiction is critical but it can become all consuming. As I read accounts of men that served in the military and fought in World War 2, I read horrific stories fear and loss. Many times the heroic survivors of battles were asked, “How did you make it through?” Often these men respond with statements like, when things were the worst, I thought about going home, I thought about my girl, my wife, my kids, mom and dad, my little brother or sister. Even amid the battle many of these men clung to a vision of what life could be like when the war was over. We need this kind of vision for our future.

If you’re battling addiction and compulsive behaviors, I want to ask you a question. If I could wave a magic wand and your struggle were to disappear, what would you want your life to look like? Get out a paper and pen and write it down. If you were free from your addiction what would you’re ideal life look like? Are you happy with where you live? Are you happy with what you do to earn a living? Are there relationships with family or friends that you’d like to see restored? What can you do today to begin to see these things happen? A wise man once said, “Without a vision the people perish.” What’s your vision? The answer to this question could be your first step from sobriety to recovery.

If you have questions or you’d like to talk, email me at rwcoaching2@gmail.com.

Freedom

Last night my neighborhood was filled with the sound of fireworks. It’s been going on for weeks. Today is the 4th of July. People are celebrating Independence Day. There seems to be more criticism of our country today than in the past and the criticism is coming from both sides of the aisle politically. I have my list of things I’m not happy with but I still can’t think of another country where I’d rather reside.

The independence and freedom I want to talk about today though is of a much more personal nature. My battle with addiction began about 14 years ago. I was looking for a way to deal with the trauma and pain that was present in my life. I was looking for a quick, easy answer. Today I have learned that the quick and easy answer is rarely the right answer. I found a temporary answer but that’s really when my personal war started. My war was a battle with addiction in the form of pornography and unhealthy sexual behaviors.

War is always tragic and there are always casualties. In my war I lost things like jobs and possessions. At one time everything I owned fit in the back of my minivan. I lost 2 years of my life to the prison system. The thing I miss the most is the relationships that were lost. Friends and family members that no longer feel safe being around me. Some of those relationships have been restored but some may never be this side of heaven. In order to escape the pain and trauma I had suffered I inflicted pain and trauma on the people around me.

After my encounter with the legal system and with the intervention of friends who were willing to step up and fight with me and for me, I realized that retreat and escape were no longer the answer. If I wanted to see an end to the trail of death and destruction I was leaving in my wake I had to take the offensive. I began to gather a community that would stand with me and fight. I began to gather tools, weapons that I would need in my battle. I listened as the community around me explained how these tools work and even when I couldn’t see how the tools would benefit me I listened because I realized that my best thinking had led me into my addiction.

My battle began a little over 12 years ago. I’d like to say I experienced immediate victory but that would be a lie. Victories were won and battles were lost but the war pressed on. Battles still take place. Just this week I woke up from a dream that was so real I could have sworn that I had acted out. Rather than giving in to escape and feelings, I got up, picked up my toolbox and found a weapon that has proven trustworthy in the past and I moved forward in victory.

Today marks 6 years, 4 months and 2 days since I last lost a battle to pornography. Because I am surrounded by community and I have weapons that I have found to be powerful and effective in battle, I stand confident that I will finish today strong and I’ll move forward in strength tomorrow.

If you’re ready to start your battle or you are already engaged but are looking for a larger community and tools that have been proven by many to be effective, call or email me. We are ready to help you find your victory.

I Think I can Do This By Myself

“I think I can do this by myself.” Here’s a simple question. How’s that going for you?

A 12-step study I have been leading will be wrapping up this weekend. Seven of us have been in this study for about six months. We have spent two weeks digging into each of the steps. In addition to the study, we have each done a daily check in with the group. We spend just a few minutes sharing what’s been going on but the focus of our check in is on what we have been feeling. This past Monday we all got together for an hour on Zoom. We are scattered across North America – Canada, Indiana, North Carolina, North Dakota, Florida and Maryland. It’s amazing what can be done with technology today. Some of us have been participating in groups like this for years but for some this is the first group they have been in. Each of us in the group have an issue we have struggled with in our lives. Some of us call it an addiction. Some of us would say it’s a bad habit. But each of us would say it has cost us dearly. For some it cost a marriage. Some paid the price of family relationships and friendships. Some have lost jobs. The list is almost endless, the price we have paid. One thing we all have in common is that at some time we have said, “This struggle is a secret I’ll take to my grave. I’ll never talk to anyone about this.” And yet in this group this is exactly what we have done, talk about it.

As we met on Zoom this week a sentiment shared by each one of us was that we can’t let this commitment to community end. Several of these guys are going to continue to check in even after the study ends. Others are stepping into another group. Each person shared about the growth and freedom they have experienced over the past six months. Where did this growth and freedom come from? Some of it is the result of the tools they developed through the study but each of us talked about the power we have experienced through community. T.A. Webb once said, “A burden shared is halved.” That’s a powerful statement. It reflects a much older truth found in Galatians 6:2, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Community is the secret to freedom. It’s where we find strength. I would argue that there are few things you can do well by yourself.

If you’ve been trying to find freedom on your own, how’s that going for you? Another Bridge Group will be starting soon. If you’d like information on what takes place in these groups send us an email at rwcoaching2@gmail.com. We would be happy to talk with you. Whether you reach out to us or not, if you’ve been struggling in life, connect with a safe person and let them help you carry that load.

Ron’s Thoughts!

Habits

I know I’m over simplifying, but there are basically two types of habits, good habits and bad habits. A habit is a process or pattern of behavior that we have adopted. Habits are meant to make life easier. We dont have to stop and think. We just do. When I get up in the morning I head straight for the bathroom followed by a walk to the coffee pot. I never have to stop and think about it. It just happens. This makes my mornings simpler.

Bad habits on the other hand are usually developed as a result of stress and boredom. These habits can be as simple as biting your nails or tapping your foot. It could be automatically reaching for a cigarette or vape when you don’t know what to do next or grabbing a beer or a drink as soon as you get home before you deal with the stress of the spouse or the kids. Maybe you roll one or grab some gummies to take the edge off. Or a common habit today is to grab a tablet or go to the computer to watch porn before you go to bed or as soon as you get up because you feel lonely or misunderstood.

I cant remember where I heard it but someone said, ”In order to break a habit you have to make a habit.” Breaking a bad habit and making a new one takes time and effort. It doesn’t happen overnight.

If you’ve ever tried to break a habit you’ve probably discovered that just stopping doesn’t work. Here are a few steps you can take on the road to developing your new habit. First, is there a specific emotion, stress or need that you are trying to avoid with the bad habit you have developed? I tool I have found helpful is a daily check in or writing notes to myself. Some people call this journaling but I’ve never liked journaling so I write notes to myself. (It’s the same thing but don’t tell me that)

I ask myself the following questions,

What am I feeling?

What am I thinking?

What am I doing?

What am I thinking about doing?

I got these questions from an organization called the Samson Society. These questions help me identify the triggers for my behavior and habits. All of my habits are there for a reason. I use them to help me deal with something. Knowing what that something is opens the door for change.

Choose a new habit. Remember, to break a habit you have to make a habit. Let’s say when you feel stressed you reach for a cigarette. What’s a good alternative? A tool I recently began using is breathing exercises. The first time someone suggested it I thought, that sounds stupid. But what could it hurt to give it a try? I downloaded a free app to my phone and committed to doing the exercises for a week. In the beginning it felt useless but as I continued to do the exercise I discovered that it really did help me to feel less stress! Don’t try it once and declare it a failure. Make a commitment to a specific amount of time.

Eliminate as many triggers and opportunities for failure as possible. If you can’t be around people that are drinking without drinking yourself, don’t go to the bar. An easy way to break bad habits is by avoiding the things that cause you to do them.

Don’t do it alone. No one succeeds in isolation or in private. Find a friend that is working to break the same habit or has already beaten it. You need accountability and encouragement. When I have a load that’s too heavy to carry alone having a friend with me and mean the difference between success and failure.

Habits

RW Coaching