There are moments when we hear a story and our first reaction is, “How does someone get there?”
A recent investigation by CNN highlighted men participating in online communities where they were sharing ways to harm the very people closest to them. For most of us, that feels so far outside the realm of possibility that it’s hard to even process.
But if we want to understand it—not excuse it, but understand it—we have to look at how behavior can escalate over time.
Because most people don’t wake up one day and decide to do something extreme.
They drift there.
It Starts Smaller Than We Think
In recovery work, I often say:
Behind every behavior is a feeling. Behind every feeling is a need.
Early on, the behaviors are often about:
- escape
- relief
- numbing
- control
They might look like private coping strategies—things done in isolation, justified as “not hurting anyone.”
But something begins to shift when secrecy becomes a pattern.
The Power of Secrecy
Secrecy changes the way we think.
What once felt uncomfortable becomes manageable.
What once felt wrong becomes explainable.
What once felt unthinkable becomes… possible.
Without interruption—without accountability—secrecy creates its own reality.
When the Line Moves: Escalation and Desensitization
I’ve seen this process up close—not just in the men I work with, but in my own life.
There was a time when certain thoughts, images, or behaviors would have immediately disgusted me. I didn’t debate them. I didn’t rationalize them. I knew where the line was.
But over time, that changed.
Not all at once.
Not in some dramatic moment.
But slowly—through repetition, secrecy, and unchecked thinking.
I became desensitized.
Things that once disgusted me in my past became my norm.
That’s the danger of escalation.
It’s not just that behavior increases—it’s that your internal sense of what’s acceptable begins to shift.
And once that shift happens, you’re not making decisions from the same place anymore.
You’re making decisions from a place that has been reshaped.
The line doesn’t disappear all at once—
it moves.
The Role of Community (For Better or Worse)
We often hear the phrase, “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety—it’s connection.”
There’s truth in that.
But connection by itself isn’t enough.
Because not all community leads toward health.
Scripture puts it plainly: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”
That’s not just a moral statement—it’s a lived reality.
We become like the people we surround ourselves with.
If you’re in a community that:
- minimizes harmful behavior
- jokes about things that should be taken seriously
- normalizes secrecy
- reinforces distorted thinking
…you don’t stay neutral.
You drift.
In my own journey, part of the problem wasn’t just what I was doing—it was what I was allowing to shape my thinking.
The voices I listened to.
The things I exposed myself to.
The lack of voices that challenged me.
And that combination allowed the drift to continue longer than it should have.
Healthy Community Restores Clarity
Real recovery community does something different.
It doesn’t just accept you—it challenges you.
It says:
- “Let’s bring this into the light.”
- “Let’s be honest about where this leads.”
- “Let’s not pretend this is harmless.”
Healthy community restores perspective.
It helps you see clearly again.
It re-establishes the line that may have slowly disappeared.
This Is Not Inevitable
It’s important to say this clearly:
Escalation is not unavoidable.
There are interruption points along the way:
- honest self-awareness
- safe disclosure
- healthy community
- accountability
- learning how to process feelings instead of escape them
These are the moments where the path can change.
Why This Matters
Stories like this aren’t just about “those people.”
They’re reminders of what can happen when:
- pain goes unaddressed
- behavior stays hidden
- accountability is avoided
- and distortion is reinforced instead of challenged
The goal isn’t fear.
The goal is awareness.
Because the earlier someone recognizes the pattern, the more possible it is to step out of it.
A Question Worth Asking
Take an honest look at the influences in your life right now.
Are the people and inputs around you helping you move toward who you want to become… or slowly reshaping what feels acceptable?
Because whether we realize it or not—
We are always being formed.
Where in your life might something small be growing in secrecy that needs to be brought into the light?
If this resonates with you, I’d encourage you to reach out, connect, or take a step toward honest conversation. You don’t have to navigate it alone.